I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.
I once bought my friend an elephant for his room… He said, ‘Thanks.’ I said, ‘Don’t mention it.’
I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn’t get pasta.
I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.
I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' – I think I might have florets.
I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans-free.
Hedgehogs. Why can't they just share the hedge?
I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me.
I heard there were a bunch of break-ins over at the car park. That is wrong on so many levels.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
Never trust atoms; they make up everything.
My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the ceiling!
Russian dolls are so full of themselves.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation for revenge. We’ll see about that.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
The future, the present, and the past walk into a bar. Things got a little tense.
Last night my girlfriend was complaining that I never listen to her… or something like that.
If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.
The man who invented Velcro has died. RIP.
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, ‘Is this stool taken?’
I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them.
The rotation of Earth really makes my day.
My friend was explaining electricity to me, but I was like, ‘Watt?’
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Are people born with photographic memories, or does it take time to develop?
These are being updated all the time so be sure to come back soon.
Was there a catastrophic nuclear war or event on Mars?
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