I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.
I once bought my friend an elephant for his room… He said, ‘Thanks.’ I said, ‘Don’t mention it.’
I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn’t get pasta.
I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.
I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' – I think I might have florets.
I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans-free.
Hedgehogs. Why can't they just share the hedge?
I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me.
I heard there were a bunch of break-ins over at the car park. That is wrong on so many levels.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
Never trust atoms; they make up everything.
My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the ceiling!
Russian dolls are so full of themselves.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation for revenge. We’ll see about that.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
The future, the present, and the past walk into a bar. Things got a little tense.
Last night my girlfriend was complaining that I never listen to her… or something like that.
If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.
The man who invented Velcro has died. RIP.
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, ‘Is this stool taken?’
I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them.
The rotation of Earth really makes my day.
My friend was explaining electricity to me, but I was like, ‘Watt?’
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Are people born with photographic memories, or does it take time to develop?
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